Consent? What's that?

"lemme stop you there before you speak, nah to the ah to the no no no!"

-Meghan Trainor

In simple terms, consent means giving permission or agreeing to something. It can be about anything! You can consent to ice-cream, you can consent to chips, and even both if you're feeling crazy!

But specifically, we're going to talk about  intimacy consent. It is based on the concept of autonomy, which means that a person has the right to make decisions about their bodies, including saying yes or no to sexual activities

It is important to note that consent is not just about saying yes or no. It also involves setting boundaries and respecting them. And listening when someone says something. You wouldn't give tea to someone who doesn't want it, would you?

Only an enthusiastic yes is consent. If there is even a little bit of doubt, then it's not acceptable. That is why it's important to remember to take things slowly when it starts to get steamy. 

You know how your brain freezes sometimes when you're hit with a lot of info really quickly? Or like when you're in class and you just keep nodding your head even though you don't get what's going on? 

Sometimes intimacy can feel a little like that. That's why it's important to take things slow and be sure that what you are doing is what you and your partner both want.

Consent is important regardless of relationship status. Whether you're married, dating, “just friends” or strangers.

Good partnership is something that is really important to intimacy cause it ensures that everybody is on the same page. Intimacy isn't just about orgasms or ‘how long can you do it for’, it is about everyone feeling good doing it. The only way that can happen is through enthusiastic consent from everyone involved!

Okay I get that consent is important. But what is it in practice?

Now that we know what consent is, let us discuss what it looks like! Teamwork makes the dreamwork, so why should it be different for sex? 

> VERBAL CONSENT: This is the clearest form of consent. it is also one of, if not the most explicit. Think classic bedroom sounds. It is when someone uses words to express consent.

> NON-VERBAL CONSENT: Sometimes consent can also be non-verbal. It is when someone expresses a clear willingness to engage in intimacy without words. Think bedroom eyes (the way nala from the lion king looked at simba in that one scene)

They include but are not limited to the following:

• Head nod

• Thumbs up

• Pulling someone closer

• Nodding yes

• Making direct eye contact

• Actively touching someone

• Initiating sexual activity

It is important to remember that body language is different for everyone, and relying on it alone can sometimes be problematic. If you’re not sure that you’re getting a clear, enthusiastic yes from your partner, you gotta ask. You cannot assume that you have consent because someone is not physically resisting or verbally refusing sexual contact.

Gotcha, but I'm still a little confused about what is and isn't consent.

This is not consent:

"no" "stop" "I don't want to anymore"

Just because someone isn't saying no, it does not mean that it is a yes. When you do not get an enthusiastic yes, it is a sign to check in with your partner. Here are other signs you may wanna look for:

• being silent or saying nothing

• turning away from you

• pushing you away

• lying still

• not touching you

Also, I've seen people complain about this so let's get this straight: Consent for one thing is not consent for another thing. If your partner says yes to making out, don't assume they wanna do more than that. If they said yes one time, that consent does not apply for next time. And y'all, stop guilt tripping your partners for not wanting to do things! It's not their fault for not wanting/being ready for things, and it's not yours either! 

Consent cannot be obtained by force or by taking advantage of someone who is incapacitated! Consent is freely given, which means that if someone is free to say yes then they are also free to say no. 

If someone feels like they have to say yes  because saying no would result in harm or negative consequences, that’s not freely given consent.

Consent can be withdrawn by anyone at any time, and once withdrawn then the activity must stop immediately. stop drop and roll. (okay maybe don't roll away, but you get the point)

Okay, but does the law even talk about consent? 

Actually, yes! The Nirbhaya Act of 2013 says that consent is “the unequivocal voluntary agreement to participate in a sexual act.” It also says that the act of resistance doesn't imply consent. That means that non-verbal signs also count! (Indian law ftw!!)

But the stance on consent isn't the same for marriage. If two people are married, it is assumed that consent is always there, unless the husband and wife are separated, or the wife is under 15 years of age. So, even if the husband forces the wife to participate in any sexual activity, it is not a crime. -And notice dear reader how the law doesn’t say anything about the wife forcing herself on the husband

(seriously? looks like I'm gonna take that W back)

You can read more about it here.

What happens when you do things without consent?

Communication and consent are things that go hand in hand with each other (they're besties your honour). When sexual intercourse takes place without consent, it is called rape.

Date rape is the coercion of a victim into unwanted sexual activity by a friend, romantic suitor, or peer through violence, verbal pressure, misuse of authority, use of incapacitating substances(like drugs), or threat of violence. It is rape done by someone the victim knows.

Marital rape is another form of rape, that is still not recognised by the law (or society 💀). Although it is talked about in the Indian penal code (section 375), many people do not identify it as a form of rape, because they believe that one does not ‘need’ consent from one's spouse. Which we know to be wrong as consent is always needed before intimacy, regardless of marital status. Although an attempt was made in 2013 to criminalise marital rape, it was unsuccessful due to a few reasons.

Violation of consent is a serious issue that involves taking away someone's autonomy. It is not just for the hanky-panky but also things like kissing, cuddling and general physical closeness. 

When someone says no, it is non-negotiable.

So go ahead and have sex. Just make sure the person you're with consents to it!

Credits: Researched by Kriti G. Written and Edited by DURGA N.